Pope Alien . Commentary

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

My Problem (with starbucks)


If you knew me, you'd know I'm not a big fan of starbucks. It's not that they're a giant multi-national corporation, or that they grow like a green and grey fungus across the landscape, sometimes 3 to a block, blotting out the sun and making baby jesus cry.

No, its not that at all.

It's all about the strength and flavor (or lack thereof) of their espresso.

It's that their espresso is so goddamn weak I can barely tell its there. It's like coffee for blind baby kittens that need to have their caffiene intake carefully regulated. It's like kiddy-coffee with training wheels and colorful streamers on the handlebars. It's espresso for people that don't like espresso, but want to pretend that they do. It's watery, sad and pathetic and it makes baby jesus cry.

When I get a cup of the black stuff I want to be able to feel it. The cup should be vibrating before I even take the first sip, and when I DO take that first drink it should NOT make me think "..is this tea?" "Has there been some sort of mistake?" "are they making tea in their espresso maker?"

I want strong coffee! Coffee that makes me twitch, coffee that causes my frontal lobes to bang together like those little pendulum ball things you see in a science center gift shop. I want espresso that makes the sun come out and the birds sing german industrial death-metal. I want it all, and I want it now!

That is all.

         

7 Comments:

  • cuppa joe! cuppa joe!

    By Anonymous, at 10:22 PM  

  • As a barista, I fully understand your woes. And no, I don't work at Starbucks, I work at an independent shop in Vancouver run by an italian guy who knows his beans. We import the beans from Italy, because the beans we want can't be found anywhere in Canada. When I draw a double long shot, the crema is so perfect and proud that that, my friend, makes baby jesus cry tears of joy and relief. I'm all about the quality out here in the Mount Pleasant neighborhood.

    By Anonymous, at 1:04 AM  

  • Take a chill-pill man, maybe its time to cut back on the coffee.

    get high on life!

    By Anonymous, at 2:50 PM  

  • Thanks for caring about the beans! There are lots of good places to get a true espresso, even some of the smaller chains serve up some good coffee.

    Why anyone would drink the starbucks dreck is beyond me.

    By iamnotspiderman, at 2:54 PM  

  • >>coffee that causes my frontal lobes to bang together

    Freak! Us non-aliens only have one frontal lobe.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frontal_lobe

    By Anonymous, at 11:46 AM  

  • Indeed my good man, indeed. I too loathe Starbucks, although not for that reason. My reason is simply because they take over independent (and quite adorable) coffee shop/cafes, much like the one I work at and have a sentimental attachment to. We are getting a Starbucks in our town soon, and I fear for the life of my beloved coffee shop.

    This made me chortle.

    By Anonymous, at 7:11 PM  

  • Starbucks is the wallmart of coffee. except without the low prices and smiley faces.

    By Anonymous, at 9:37 AM  

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